How to Friendship 101

Hi I’m back! Sorry for skipping last week’s entry, but I was out being a tourist in my own city with my best friend, Jess, who came to visit for the weekend. I was intending to write about that but I think I’ll save the Seattle entry for next week, since I actually had a request this week for an entry that I think is more interesting: how to make friends. LOL I feel like a Kindergarten parent, but this is actually a cool topic to explore because honestly, adulthood is just kindergarten all over again minus the naps. I was asked to cover friendships on college campuses, but oddly enough, if there’s anything I’ve learned from up and moving to Seattle, adult moves are no different from college campuses except that it’s like the awkward few weeks of freshman year intensified since most of the population already has their roots down. So I’ll be more general and spend this week analyzing why its so hard to meet people, wherever you are. I have no claim on being an expert on this topic at all, except that I’ve begun making some good friends in Seattle and I took CMN 238: Relationship Communication my sophomore year of college.

Friendships are weird. You start off not knowing each other, or even hating each other (you know who you are), and then you blink and you’d jump in front of a car for the other person. I reflect on my own life and my own friends and I’m puzzled and amazed by how strong my own friendships are. My biggest flex in life is that I could never to speak to another person again and I would be fully content with the people who would be bridesmaids in my wedding, aunts to my children, and my forever friends. So shoutout to you guys, love y’all<3.

One way I easily tell this is by asking my friends the simple question: extravert or introvert? I am by most people’s definitions a huge extravert, and it goes without saying that I love being around people and this is where I get most of my energy. But many of my introvert friends often tell me that they don’t “need” friends, that they’re set with just the three or four that they have. I challenge this because while we don’t need a million friends, we do need new ones- because we are evolving beings and the kinds of friends we need in our lives is not a constant. As people, we are hardwired to continuously search for connection. In fact, belongingness needs are a critical part of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, yet another concept I only know about thanks to AP psychology. We are not content with not searching for these connections because making new connections is one of the only ways to grow our own identities and goals.

While growing new connections is important, the main key to friendship is knowing that it should always come down to quality over quantity. This is something that can become a struggle especially in college and in sororities, as it can be hard not to count or measure friendship based on the number of friends you have. For me, it took graduating to realize some friendships just aren’t worth holding on to, and THAT IS OKAY. One day I’ll share a post I did for the UIUC Women’s Network, called How To Find the Friends who will be There for You. But a sneak peek is that you need to know your worth, and pick friends who are loyal advocates for you, even when you leave the room, the college, or the state.

One of my new friends in Seattle actually just told me about a study done where she learned that the human brain only has the time and capacity to give love and attention to seven friends at once. This blew my mind, because while I don’t think this is universal rule, I think it is a testament that it is okay - and actually good- to not chase unnecessary, unbalanced, and toxic friendships.

But on to the title of this entry: how do we meet the friends that ARE worth it? I think it comes down to three things you have to keep in mind: 1.) Put yourself out there 2.) Establish Common Ground and 3.) Achieve Balance. Now to break down what these three mean…

Putting yourself out there may be the first one, but I’d venture to say it is also the hardest. Whether you’re new on campus, a transplant from the Midwest, or just joined your dream sorority (since bid day at my chapter is tomorrow, yay!), they key to fitting in and meeting others is to not stay in your room, however tempting it may be. What works for me when I’m an introverted mood is to force myself out on a walk, to a museum, or just the local Starbucks to start. This way, you’re not putting too much pressure on yourself- just tell yourself to study in a public place instead of your dorm hall. At the same time though, you’re surrounding yourself with more people that are potential friend ‘targets’. Once you do this, you can eventually build up to starting small talk with these people based off the context. This works AMAZING in college because everyone is freaking out together, but it also works great in Seattle for me. There’s always something to say about the weather here so small talk isn’t exactly a problem.

This is where you move into step two, which is basically the most important part of the puzzle. One thing that sorority recruitment actually taught me is that people LOVE to talk about themselves. As long as you ask another person questions and use their answers to fuel your conversations, you will build incredible connections. You do this by actively listening to what people are saying and relating to it, as long as it’s done in an authentic way. You don’t have to always agree with someone (and if you do then that’s super creepy) but it never hurts to empathize and play off others’ ideas. They’ll feel listened to and appreciated, and because we’re all super selfish bastards, that goes a long way.

And….finally, you’ve got to bring balance into the equation. Firstly, this means taking risks and getting each others contact information to continue a friendship beyond the surface level. On a deeper level, it means being vulnerable, making sure both people are satisfied with how the friendship is going (no one likes a friend who monopolizes your time and doesn’t give anything back, trust me), and just being selfless in general. Also smile....no one is making friends with you if you have RBF (and I bet 50% of you subconsciously do).

One of my friends actually also said something that I think completely describes good friendship really well. It’s not always compromising and both people always giving 100%. It’s collaborating…and people empathizing when their friends can only give 40% to make up that extra 60% (see I can math). THAT’S friendship, or at least what describes my amazing friends who are probably reading this right now. So go tell your friends they rock and go make some new ones, and I’ll be back with something new next week😉